2/23/2025 : 3a
long time, no update?!?!?!?
i've been going through it.... in a mental health recovery persuit (sans medicating.... even self medicating)
and boy can i use a cig..... i'm sick lately.
i've been vomiting every pill i injest and i cannot keep a meal down. not preggers and not the virgin mary so thats a plus thoooooooooo
i've been thinking of quitting my (newly continued) college courses... im not into the whole skewl scenes.... i love learning about art, it's a passion but its so.... tightknit!! i don't do well with daily structures that i don't set up myself. if i want to kill myself with min wage and retail, it's still a shinier option.
i haven't been feeling myself lately frfr tho... i went to do some soul searching and found out more about the bible. mayhaps HE can fix me.
i've calmed a bit on obsessing over meowmoewmeow as i like to give people their space... i'm not fond of barking where i'm not wanted.
iii mememe. that's all i'm getting at. buttttttttttttttt.
oh. before i forget, i'm ramping up on them art skills! my follower count tanked after my very first popularity surge got me wanting to ditch the whole social media craze that is formally x. (geddit.... i did not take inspo)
the social media burnout is a lot to say the least. atleast i have a slow influx of influencing numbers but i just... didn't get it? it was supposed to
make me happu but instead i stayed away from the screen more than usual (on top of going on another binge of drinking and all).
the dark days are far behind and i have half a mind to start again.
4/20/2024 : 3p
i woke up with a migraine... lately been feeling sick but not just physically (i know damn well...)
?? i feel so numb.
the artform of wanting to hang, when skin on skin touches i always think back to what could have been
i desire him. but... i feel dirty for saying it.
playing this dangerous game with deth, and me winning, makes me feel more angry than it should.. spiteful even!!
what is the point of drugs? of sex? of late night running around trying to make sense of the dark areas in life with nothing but the moon and the sky looming over you, reminding you of your mortality?
grl, wen i get dat job app approved its so over.
i wont be allowed to roam around when im stuck with a 9-5 looking like someones great aunt's pastor's wife.
(im into a certain something that makes me look loike a hag!!); not to mention, im a little too old to be playing games anymore. soo...
in other news, i found out i dont like sex at all despite the wholee 'runner up for worlds biggest thot' competitive nature in me.
i want my couldabeenpardnerincrime but not sexually.. its more of. desire? for me to be closer. i dont value sex at all, due to some. h. but i do like engaging in activities that give me the spark and thrill i need to feel alive.
ive done some things and im a bed surfer. ive od'd for the hell of it. i dont look happy with anything i do thats normal simply because i want spice girl content for the views my love (i mean, who else am i gonna tell my body count and flaunt my aging wrinkles too)
the magazines were rigt -- the fast life is more than satisfying.
now all i need is to go back to drinking so i can climb into the bdsm scene... i noticed a naughty little think i like is being treated badly and restrained... i want to go to a gangbang... i only did 1 when i was a wee younger.
i want to do something to get out the house, ykno? just a secret betwen u and me, my little journal is: i dont like sex but it does feel funny to recount the experience.
like how i smoke just to see the wisp of breath i am losing. it makes me feel less alone, this pondering and squandering of the life i have left.
i live in the fast lane since a wee age because i dont know how to act. it makes no sense that i should settle but i know its bad for me.
(saving my tears for the next therapist who bothers to read me ofc)
now that thats out the way, wanna know a noter? i just. i feel alone.
art is a passaway for the time of making a little sake of me. it comes in more than just poetry and my heart aching bleeding bloody hands. it comes from the little depth i have. i want to leave a mark, since obv im gonna end up a stain on someones record.
where do i go if not this little space online to vent of my issues that no one cares about?
let me get it out for a few moments more, inhale inhale -- now blow him or him or him or him or yearn for something deeper than him.
im a slut with shitty luck and even a shittier attitude towards life besides being your most basic run of the mill bicc out there;
try this on for size:
we will always get off on the wrong foot because i will never get into commitment with the whole "be somebody" dialogue thats the jazz nowadays.
i prefer to exist in monotony with nothing more than a cig and a little drink to pass the time. those cheap wine coolers, nasty old burger buns.
i dont got the personality to make someone happy but by god do i sometimes feel lonely think on it.
maybe one day ill be like the kyewl gyals but for now im just ur average broke bicc messing around with any man she meets
a fag at heart but not in the spirit ofc; i oogle the life of wanting to finally get my ass together and transition to higher heigts
and even if i did, id still be the same ol me -- a broke ass bitch sided with a pen of discouragement.
damn bicc, i need frends!!
or not, who knows.. but i do know this:
mew mew i loved u sooo much i should stop talking about how you inspire me but also im sure by now i broke down what couldve been by not being enuff ykno?
4/19/2024 : 10p
ruminating over times longspent in agony over waiting... what am i waiting for?
do i look for a time where i can go back and bear my innocence or just a time where i felt a liddle less empty.
or perhaps, a little less shallow.
what i call intrusive thoughts, people call "toxic vampiric super ultra bloodthirst social draining victimhood"... hoooo girl i dont talk to anyone
enuff to even comprehend what it means
its always the cut and dry: "hows your day? hope u feel well" for me since im not into developing relationships for myself
sad being the only odd one out here but i kinda prefer the noncommitment ive been surfing on. atfirst i was alone but now its... i have all this time for self
improvement and growth; lets put it this way, however...
im not some outcast weirdo just coasting on parasocialism online or even riding behind someones coat tails irl for the sake of having someone to talk to
but i do get a lonely. a bitch gotta get dat menthol eels out first before i can speak tho so its Unfortunate that i have that world view atm
why bother with what is offered if i cant gaurantee my own value to the other personhood? much to think aboout
(me: currently sitting on like -2 followers and even less friends LMAO)
IN OTHER NEWS... I LOVE MEOW MEOW.. semeowmeow is the main reason i started this journal and writing in general
such an insp.. sad our relationship deteriated... id go ahead and just document my thots now and say friendship aint the same without ya.
4/18/2024 : 11p
running with the big bois breaking all the rules im in overtown taking it deep and its like ???
(anyways i need to detox from cigars they truely are addictive)
meowmeow on da mind lik im soo wenie hut jrs and cant actually count past 3
(and that is to say my maturity is that of a hamster on a wheel if u kno what im saying)